"We Touch All the Time, so Why Not Be the Best at It?"

If you're so dumb you don't know how to pet a cat, fear not! Petting is passé, people! Your cat wants a massage! (Right, Pork Chop?) This highly enlightening instructional video includes numerous mind-blowing tips such as: "If you're right-handed, use your right hand. Left-handers, use left. Or, if you're right-handed, try using your left, and vice versa." Of course, there's also plenty of innuendo for anyone bold enough to read between the lines: "Remember, you can't fool drool! Mmmm!!!" And: "You don't need a swimming pool for this breast-stroking!" Don't worry, it gets worse. At 2:30, she grabs the cat's tail like it's a...you know what...oh, God, just WATCH: